Abusers lose control of themselves
Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. For a lot of abusers it is easier to believe the myth than to accept that they know exactly what they are doing when they assault, rape or torture their partner. Most violent and abusive people are able to control themselves and not hit or abuse their partner in public or in front of other people, and not to cause injuries where they show. Abusers almost never do something that they themselves consider morally unacceptable – the problem is the distorted sense of what is right or wrong and the sense of entitlement. Abusers believe that controlling or abusing their partner is justifiable.
Some women seek out abusive men, going from one violent relationship to another
This is another ‘cycle of violence’ theory. It is often said that women who saw or experienced abuse in childhood or who have been in one or more abusive relationships come to expect/accept it in personal relationships. If we take seriously the extent of domestic abuse, then a high proportion of men are abusive towards women. We should expect to find that for some women it happened to their mothers and it has happened to them. No expert has yet come up with a way of distinguishing abusive from non abusive men, how can women do so?
Recent research suggests a different way of understanding why some women are abused by more than one partner. Women often choose to tell a new partner about their previous experiences of abuse – and some men use this as justification for their own abusive behaviour.
(Male victims of female perpetrators were less likely than female victims to have experienced previous abuse. Male victims of male perpetrators were significantly more likely to have had previous experience of abuse)